


Since you've been gone

by ulri1913



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Best Friends, Caring Lee Jeno, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Happy Ending, How Do I Tag, Idols, Insecure Na Jaemin, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24840085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ulri1913/pseuds/ulri1913
Summary: In which Jeno only realizes what Jaemin means to him after he goes on a health hiatus.Expect chensung and other NCT ships as well, though not a lot.?trigger warning?Knowing me there's gonna be some depressing and triggering shit, but I'll put trigger warnings before each chapter.(slow updates)This is purely FICTIONAL. I do ship these ships irl, but idols are human beings and I as a fan will support them no matter sexuality or relationships. I'm not claiming that Jeno and Jaemin or any of the other members are a certain sexuality, this is for entertainment purposes only.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Kudos: 6





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> *trigger warning: A bit of angst*

제노's pov:  
I sigh as the back of my head hits the cold floor of the practice room. Pants can be heard from all the members.

Except for him.

Jaemin has been my best friend for so many years, but I don't think I ever realized how important he is to me.

I've become used to his clinginess, as well as his teasing and flirting. Him not being here leaves an empty spot in the group.

"What are you thinking about hyung?" our maknae softly asks, as he gently hands me a water bottle.

"Ah, it's nothing to worry about Jisung-ah.“, I reply quickly, not wanting to bring down the mood.

He sighs and continues; "You're really bad at lying hyung, what's on your mind? Is it because of the choreo? Don't worry, you're doing great."

I chuckle silently, “It's nothing like that little maknae, I'm just a bit exhausted.", I say, hoping for him to fall for it.

"Sure... If you wanna talk though, I'm here.", Jisung reassures. I give a small lip smile, I wish Jaemin was here to talk though.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for Jisung's support and presence. I'm simply just missing my best friend.

"Thanks Jisung-ah, I'm really fine though.", I lie as I don't want our maknae to share my worries. He should be able to smile.

I know that Jaemin being on a hiatus has been especially hard on Jisung too, which is why I try to avoid reminding him.

Jisung nods and pads my back, as he walks to Chenle. Chenle looks up and smiles at him, as Jisung sits down next to him.

I observe them, as the two laugh and jokingly hit each other with genuine smiles on their faces. I really hope that they'll never have to experience being separated like this.

I then glance to the other side of the practice room. Donghyuck and Renjun are playing and bickering as Mark watches.

I feel strangely out of place. Naturally I love all of my members and am comfortable with them, but I guess...

Something is missing. He is missing.

"Alright, your break is over guys. From the top again. We'll practice My First And Last one more time, then we'll move on to Dunk Shot."

The members jumped up and got into positions. I slowly got up, as I weakly walked to my spot.

Here goes nothing.


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *trigger warning? Self-critical thinking and angst*

재민's pov:  
"Oh maybe maybe  
Igeon sarangiljido molla  
Imi nae nuneneun neoman boyeo nan  
Ajik anil geora geobeul meogeodo  
Oh naegedo on geot gata"

I silently but proudly watch the TV as Donghyuck starts out our groups new song. I still say our although I'm on hiatus. I smile weakly as I watch my beloved members of perform.

'They're really good. Maybe my lack of presence doesn't matter? Possibly.'

I know that the member love me, I guess this hiatus just shows me how well the dreamies can do without me.

"Chaege jeokhin geuljadeuri hyeonsiri dwae  
Gaseumi got teojyeo beoril geot gata  
Oh anya eotteon mallodo seolmyeonghal su eopseo  
Geurae naegen neoppuniya"

I smile as Mark hyung and Renjun get in the center position. I really miss them a lot. Renjun looks skinnier, 'Has he been eating well?' I suddenly begin chuckling.

"Naega eodi isseodo kkumsogeseodo  
Oh naegen neoppuniya  
Nameun insaengeul geolgo malhalge  
Du beoneun eopseo neon naui  
majimak"

I laugh slightly at my friends' cute choreo and I stare at Chenle in confusion as he sings the last part of the chorus. 'Isn't that Jeno's part?'  
It's not that I don't like Chenle, I'm just confused.

"Let's talk about love  
Let me talk about love  
Yeah I'm talking about you  
Da naege malhae  
Gihoeneun deo issdago  
Anya naegen neoppun"

Nothing changed there, Mark hyung is still an amazing rapper.

"My baby baby cheoeumirago moreuji anha  
Modu uril bureowohage doel geol  
Cheossarangi kkeutkkaji ieojineun  
Geu gihoereul jabeun geoya  
Keulleobeseo chumeul kkok chuji anhado  
Nae simjangeun neowa chumeul chuneun geol  
Alttalttalhan ge mwonji nan ajik moreujiman  
Neoege chwihan geot gata"

Haechan, Chenle and Renjun continue the song with their parts. 'This is really catchy', I think as I find myself humming along. I really miss them.

"Naega eodi isseodo kkumsogeseodo  
Oh naegen neoppuniya  
Nameun insaengeul geolgo malhalge  
Du beoneun eopseo neon naui majimak"

When the song was at its second chorus I was able to sing along. What I didn't notice was a silent tear trailing down my cheek.

"You you it's you you girl  
Jeomjeom hwaksilhaejyeo neo  
Deo isangeun gominhagi silheo  
No more other waiting  
Geunyang neoya All I want is you you you"

My lips curve upwards in a sad smile, as I remember the times I was out performing with them. I really hope that they're not overworking themselves, I remember how tough it was constantly practicing and performing.

"Apdwiro salpyeobwado jwauro salpyeobwado  
Neoran sarameun daeche  
Chulguga eopseo chulguga eopseo"

I freeze as I see my Jeno-yah on screen. Tears start to rapidly fall down my face as I start sobbing. I miss my best friend more than anything. We write together all the time, but I haven't physically been with him for several months. I really don't know how long I'll be able to go without him.

"Da doedollyeo apdwi  
Jwaureul salpyeo ipgureul chajado  
Doraganeun gireul  
Chajeul suga eopseo nan nege gathyeo"

My heart clenches, as I see my baby Jisungie on screen. I've always kinda seen our maknae as my child and felt the need to protect him, so not being near him or knowing how he's doing is really taking a tool on me.

"Naega eodi isseodo kkumsogeseodo  
Oh naegen neoppuniya  
Nameun insaengeul geolgo malhalge  
Du beoneun eopseo neon naui majimak"

I smile sadly as I can hear NCTzens cheering in the background. I'm really missing the fans too, but I know that they are supporting my members well, no matter if all of us are there.

"Neon naui naui majimak  
Nae majimak cheossarang  
Neon naui naui majimak  
Nae majimak cheossarang  
Neon naui naui majimak  
Nae majimak cheossarang  
Neon naui naui majimak  
Nae majimak cheossarang"

The song comes to an end and they finish the cute choreo full of energy and stage presence.

I'm really impressed as I haven't heard any of the songs or seen them perform them until now. I almost feel more like a fan than an actual member at this point.

It's fair enough though, why would they need to show me beforehand? I'm on a break because of my injury, so there's no need to include me in any of the work, right?

I sigh and look at my phone as I can feel a vibration.

*1 message from ❤️❤️acorn❤️❤️*

My heart speeds up as I quickly open the message.

Bold = Jaemin  
Cursive = Jeno  
Simple = Jaemin's thoughts

Hey Jaemin-ah!  
Have you seen our new comeback? We worked really hard and we're having fun, but it's not the same without you.. Are you doing well? Are you eating enough? We all miss you so much. I hope that you're not in too much pain.

The slightly dried tears on my cheeks join forces with completely new ones. If I was allowed to go out of my house, I would do so immediately and sprint to whereever Jeno is to give him a huge hug. I quickly pick up my phone to text back. I hope that he's not busy and will still see my message.

Jeno-yah, I just finished watching the live stage for your comeback. You all did so well, I'm sure that it's not too bad without me:) I'm doing fine and am eating plenty. I miss you all so much too<3 My shoulder's not doing the best, but it's okay, I'm not in too much pain. My heart is in pain though, as I can't stand being away from you for so long:( I love you Nono❤️

I lied as little as I could, but I didn't want to worry him with the truth. I really haven't been doing well. I barely eat a meal a day, and I've had so many dark and horrible thoughts. I'm not ever gonna tell that to Jeno though. I don't wanna burden anyone, especially not him.

Nana~ thank you for your support! Are you sure that you're doing okay? You seem upset... If you wanna talk, I'm here, but I can only talk in the evenings, since our schedule is packedㅠㅠ.

I sigh in sadness. I really don't want to worry him, especially when he's already that busy. I've been in love with Jeno almost ever since I met him, but I've always been very aware that Jeno doesn't feel the same way.

It's okay Jeno, no need to worry about me. Just take care of yourself and your own health, and try not to overwork yourself, though it's hard. Nana loves you so much Jeno-yah! Say hi to the members for me :)

I send the message and observe the word delivered, hoping that it would change to read. It didn't for another half an hour, so I turned off my phone.

I guess he's too busy for me, which is fine. There are more important things than me anyway. I lay down on the couch and doze off thinking about my longterm best friend and the love of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N: Thank you for reading! I know that this was a lot longer than the first part, but I really wanted to get some more content in the story. The romanization parts took forever, so I probably won't do that too often.  
> I think that each chapter will switch point of view or POV, switching between Jeno and Jaemin. You might remember already, but 재민 means Jaemin.)


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *trigger warning: more angst and fainting *

제노's pov:

My limbs move to we young by default, as I've already momorized the moves and I don't have to think much when executing them. I start feeling weak, my body slowly giving in to the exhaustion, and everything goes black.

"Are you okay hyung?" It's Jisung's voice. Damnit, I made them worry. I should've taken better care of myself, so my members could go on without worrying.

"Jeno-ya, can you hear us?" Mark.  
I want to get up and tell them that I can hear them and that I'm fine, but I can't move. Oh no... What if they tell Jaemin? They can't tell Jaemin, he's already stressed enough as it is.

I struggle trying to open my eyes, but without luck. At last I muster up all my strength to mutter a silent: "Please don't tell Jaeminie... He's already worrying too much". I go weak and the sounds around me slowly disappear.

"Jeno! Stay with us. You're gonna be okay. We'll have to tell Jaemin if you get any worse." Hyuck makes the last comment I can hear as I go unconscious.

"He has to get better in less than 2 days if you don't want to be missing two members this comeback. We can't afford that. If Jeno doesn't wake up in performance-ready condition, we'll have to call Jaemin in to take his place."

"Maneger-nim, please spare him for a bit. He's been having a really hard time with Jaemin's absence and hardly been taking care of himself." Renjun pleads.

"Then one of you can call Jaemin to get him here and beat some sense into Jeno. We can't have any of the fans getting suspicious." The maneger coldly replies. I panic at the thought of them involving Jaemin and try to open my eyes to interfere.

"Renjun... P-please." I stutter with blurry vision. I can make up five figures rushing to my sides. "Hyung! Are you okay? Do you want some water?", Chenle says worriedly. "Lele, give him some space." Jisung takes his arms around the smaller.

"Don't tell... J-jaemin.." I try to get out. I vision starts clearing and I sit up straight. "Take it slow Jeno, no need to rush." Mark tries to get me to calm down. I clear my throat to speak up.

"I'll get better guys, no need to call Jaemin in and make him perform. He's injured and although he's almost better, he still needs to heal properly. I'm okay, I probably just forgot to drink enough water for the last couple of days. Just don't make Jaemin worry." I say.

Hyuck looks at me nervously and then speaks up."We already texted him. You looked really bad Jeno, and as soon as he heard he called a taxi. He's probably here in about 5 minutes." I sigh knowing that there's nothing I can do. Jaemin is already aware and worried.

"Guys I really don't want him to worry and see me like this. You shouldn't have contacted him, I really don't want him here." I complain, despite knowing that it was too late already.

I suddenly see Jaemin crying by the door, but running away as he sees me looking. I panic, not knowing what he's thinking or if he's hurt. "Guys! Jaemin just ran away crying!" Renjun tries to calm me down, but I already ripped off all of the hospital equipment and ran out the door with tears in my eyes.

Jaemin can't be hurt. He can't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (a/n: Thank you for reading. I don't have much to say for this chapter, I'm sorry if the story is badly written or boring, I'm not that good at writing.)


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *trigger warning: angst, self-hatred and self harm*

재민's pov:  
"You shouldn't have contacted him, I really don't want him here." I hear Jeno, my best friend say, as I approached the door to his hospitalroom. My heart breaks as tears fall down my face again, but for a different reason.

My eyes meet Jeno's and I quickly look away, sprinting as fast as I can out of and away from the hospital. I can faintly hear the some of the members calling for me, but I can't handle it. I run some more until I reach my apartment and with very heavy breathing, I open up the front door before closing and locking it.

Once I'm inside I hurry to the bathroom and lock that door as well. I look into the mirror as I finally burst into tears. Jeno doesn't miss me. He doesn't want to see me. I collapse and start hyperventilating.

Thoughts keep streaming through my mind, as I'm unable to stop them. He hates you. You've never been anything but a burden. You let the team down, and they're way better off now that you're gone. You really thought that your presence would be of any comfort to him. You idiot.

I stand up weakly with wobbling legs. I take my pants off and open my drawers, searching for something, anything, sharp. I finally find a razorblade. It can't cut that deep, but it'll have to do. I grab the razor and dig it as deep as I can and slice through the flesh of my inner thigh.

I wince as it burns, but smile slightly. This is the pain that I deserve. See, you finally got to your senses. You deserve this pain. You deserve it for being such a burden to the people around you. Your members, your family, your fans. You never bring them anything but negative emotions. You bring the group down. You should pay for that.

I make a second slice, this one a bit deeper than the other, but still a place and size where I can make sure that other people don't see it. The beautifully colored red blood trails down my leg, when I suddenly hear banging on my door.

I panic and quickly wash the blade, putting it back where it was. The violent knocking on my door continues before I can hear keys rattling. Shit, I gave Jeno the spare keys to my apartment. "Jaemin!" Jeno yells. I wash my cuts while wincing at the stinging sensation.

I finally find some bandage and cover the fresh cuts. Starting to hear knocking on the bathroom-door, along with more calls of my name, I put on my pants once again. My heart beating fast and tears rolling down my face, I look around for any sign that this happened.

After wiping the last blood off the floor and throwing out the tissue, I finally sat down on the ground and sob. "Jaemin! Jaemin, please open the door! I don't know what you're thinking or what you heard, but I promise that it's a misunderstanding... Just open the door and we can talk it out. We're all really worried."

Hearing Jeno crying while talking made me mad at myself. I shouldn't have stood a place in the hospital where he could see me. Jeno is the most amazing person, of course he's gonna be worried when people cry, no matter how horrible that person is. I shuffle my way to the door and unlock it.

The door immediately bursts open and Jeno enters the bathroom. I turn my teary face away from him in shame. My heart is beating 1000 miles per hour as I fear what is coming next. I suddenly feel Jeno engulf me in a warm embrace from behind.

"Nana... Why are you crying? What happened?" he softly speaks while rubbing my arms. He lets go and stands up, only to walk to face me from the front and sit down with me. Jeno takes my face and forces it in his direction. "Jaemin-ah. Look at me. It's okay."

I slowly meet his eyes, but to my surprise, he isn't angry. He doesn't look annoyed. He simply looks hurt and concerned. I start crying even more out of guilt and put my face on his shoulder. Jeno gently pads my hair and takes me into his embrace. My rational thoughts finally kick in.

Why am I so stupid? Of course Jeno doesn't hate me. I've asked him multiple times and he's had a bunch of opportunities to leave me, but he never did. You're so stupid Jaemin, he obviously cares about you and now you hurt him. Dumbass.

"Jaemin, let's go to your room and talk about what happened, okay?" Jeno looks me in the eyes as he asks and I just silently nod, not having the strength to speak at the moment. He helps me up and we walk to my bedroom with my arm on his shoulder and his on my waist to support me.

Once we sit in the bed and a few minutes of silence passed Jeno finally speaks up. "What about cuddling on the bed, hmm? I know how much you love your skinship." I chuckle and hum as a yes, before crawling under the blankets followed by my precious best friend who opens up his arms for me to lay down in.

Once we're comfortably cuddling under the blankets in my bed, I muster up the courage to speak. "I'm so so sorry Jen... I-I... I just heard that you were hurt and I had to get there... When I got to the door of your room, I heard you saying that you didn't want me there, so... I guess I panicked a bit. I'm sorry to have made you worry."

Silent tears escaped my eyes as I apologize. "Oh no Jaemin, I didn't mean it like that. If you were there earlier you would know that I said that I didn't want to worry you or for you to see me in that state. It wasn't because I don't want you in my life, I just don't want to stress you out. I love you so much Nana, don't question that." Jeno sincerely explained.

I hug him tighter as my heart tightens thinking about how worried he must've been. "I'm so sorry my acorn.. I was stupid and didn't think things through... I even... Nevermind. I love you so much Jen, I'm really having a hard time without you." I say.

"It's okay Jaemin, I understand. I love you too. But what did you even do? I want you to tell me the whole story. I understand if you're not ready right now, but you should tell someone at some point. Don't just suffer by yourself. Even if it's not me, you should confide in someone." Jeno calmly tells me, as he gently strokes my arm.

"Jen... I wouldn't want to confide in anyone but you. I still don't want to worry you. I guess... I just... Ah fuck it, I'm just gonna tell you. Just promise not to freak out or tell anyone. I already regret it and am ashamed of myself..." I decide to tell Jeno. He's my best friend and the most important person in my life at the moment.

He deserves to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N: Thanks for reading. I know that this is shit, but I already warned you.)

**Author's Note:**

> (authors note):  
> I'm sorry for the short chapter and terrible writing. I've been wanting to write a Nomin story for the longest time now, and finally decided to do it.
> 
> This story is gonna have a lot of time jumps, as I want to both incorporate the time Jaemin is missing and the time he comes back.
> 
> In case you didn't google it or know already; 제노 means Jeno.


End file.
